What does it mean to feel safe in a relationship? What can and should you be able to ask of your mate without fear of judgment or retribution?
Thich Nhat Hanh talks about these ideas in a poignant way. He tells the story of a man who had to leave his pregnant wife to go to war. He meets his child for the first time when he comes home three years later. After much rejoicing, his wife goes to market leaving father and child alone to get to know each other.
The child speaks to his father formally, calling him Father. His father replies, “Call me Papa.” “You’re not my Papa. Mama talks to Papa every night. Sometimes she cries.When she sits down, he sits down. When she lays down, he lays down.”
Hearing this, the father grows cold and angry. What he presumes is shocking to him and he doesn’t know what to do about it. When his wife comes home, he doesn’t say anything to her. She can tell that something is wrong and that it must have something to do with her but she doesn’t know what to say or do in the face of his cold, oppressive anger. After a silent dinner the father goes out to a bar and doesn’t come home until morning. This behavior goes on for three days; neither talks to the other. After the third day, the mother can’t take the pressure any more, she throws herself into the river and drowns.
After things are settled and father and child are alone again, the father builds a fire. As he sits in front of the flickering flames, his child points to the father’s shadow on the wall and says, “There’s Papa! That’s who Mama talks to. Sometimes she cries. When she sits down, he sits down; when she lays down, he lays down.” The father realized that while he was
gone, his wife spoke to him through her own shadow. All along his presumptions were wrong but he never asked his wife to find out. And, while she knew something was wrong, she never knew how to ask her husband how she had fueled his anger and withdrawal from her.
Thich Nhat Hanh suggests that when you are in pain or in trouble, the first person to go to should be your mate. He offers a simple three-part program to deal with these issues.
1. Acknowledge your relationship: “I love you.”
2. Say what is happening: “I am suffering and I don’t know what to do.”
3. If there is anyone in the world you should be able to go to for help, it should be your mate. Say: “I need your help.”
It bears repeating that the quality of a relationship is not measured only by the good times. The greater measure is how the couple maintains perspective and respect for each other and works together through the hard times. You might feel that you shouldn’t burden your spouse with your problems but in a strong relationship, problems are not a burden, they are the challenges through which you learn more about each other and, in solving them together, your relationship grows stronger. It doesn’t show weakness to ask for help, it shows respect for the love you profess for each other.
Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and author, who was exiled from his native land for his pacifist views. I heard him tell this story in the summer of 1997 in a sold-out concert hall in Santa Monica, CA.
By Matt Kramer
Tags: Wellness