This exercise often provides valuable insight and revelation to couples who think they know each other.Very important: use this exercise not to judge but to exchange information,which will help you better understand each other.Prior to conducting this exercise, we suggest that each of you separately write a list of the things that attract you to the other. Then make a list of the things about which you have some reservations.Pick a quiet, private time to sit down together. Share the things that attract you to each other. If possible, explain why they are attractive.Then, share the things about which you have some reservations. Explain why they concern you. You may want to discuss ways to handle these issues if they come up. They will come up. For example, one of my personal issues is that I do not like to be interrupted. When using this Attraction/Reservation exercise, I would tell a woman with whom I was involved that I have a reservation because I feel uncomfortable when she interrupts me.
In one instance, I was having mixed feelings by our fourth date and used the Attraction/Reservation exercise to help me determine whether or not to invest more time in the relationship. The woman’s response was, “Why are you being so sensitive? It’s not a big deal.”From that response, I determined that it was likely this person would continue to discount my feelings and it was not a good idea to pursue the relationship. On a more positive note, one girlfriend explained, “Oh, I didn’t know that bothered you, I’ll try to be more conscious about not interrupting you.”
In another relationship, the woman’s response was, “I know I interrupt and that it bothers people. I’m trying to be more conscious about not interrupting. Just let me know when I’m doing it and I’ll stop.” In the latter cases, a discussion provided an opportunity to share concerns and create solutions. When you have revealed your concerns and reservations, and your partner has acknowledged and respected them, you will find that these issues will not weigh on you as heavily as they do when they are suppressed or avoided.
By Matt Kramer
Tags: Wellness